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Dilbert quotes
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A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Some of the submissions:

  • As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems)
    A partir de mañana, los empleados solo podrán entrar al edificio usando tarjetas de seguridad personales. Las fotografías se tomarán el próximo miércoles y los empleados recibirán sus tarjetas dentro de dos semanas.

  • What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
    Lo que yo necesito es una lista detallada de los problemas desconocidos que nos puedan surgir.

  • How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
    ¿Hasta cuándo se va a pasar este "BetaTester" probando nuestro software?

  • E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
    El correo electrónico no debe usarse para enviar información o datos. Debe usarse para negocios.

  • Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people.
    Un cambio radical es bueno para la empresa, así se demuestra que estamos haciendo un buen trabajo preparando gente.

  • This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
    Este proyecto es muy importante, no debemos permitir que cosas más importantes interfieran con el.

  • Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
    Hacerlo bien no es excusa para no cumplir con la fecha prevista. Nadie creerá que has solucionado el problema en un día!. Estubimos trabajando en el durante meses. Ahora, haz como si trabajases durante unas semanas, yo te haré saber cuando es tiempo de decirselo.

  • My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.

  • Quote from a recent interview: "You are a top flight candidate and I see that you have a lot of education. However, you understand, that intelligence is not really required for this job."

  • Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say."

  • How About Friday: My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."

  • "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."

  • A group of us got together concerning the lack of merit increases this year (even though management got theirs). We made up a bumper sticker and stuck it on the Boss's new Lexus. It reads, "How's my managing? Call 1-800-NO-CLUE!"

  • We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."

  • One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"

  • I worked for a Boss who sent a memo to his assistant to investigate the possibility of canceling the fire insurance and buying a used firetruck for the employees to man.

  • Stick With Me: Our consulting group received a new manager. She recently had received control over another business line as well, which gave her a sense of power and grandeur. In the very first meeting with her she told the group "Stick with me!" I am building an empire at this company, and I am going to need little people like you to be Kings and Queens!"

  • I am not making this up. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally circulated memo from a large communications compan "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!"

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