Windows™ 95 release source-code

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#define computeruser ALL_WHO_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
    if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
    {
        if (there_are_still_bugs)
            market(bugfix);
        if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
            raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
    }

    while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
    {
        make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); // Standard Call, in lie.h
        if (rumours_grow_wilder)
            make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
        if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
        {
            market_time=ripe;
            say("It will be ready in one month);
            order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
            order(programmers,start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
            order(marketingstaff,permission_to_spread_nonsense);
            vapourware=TRUE;
            break;
        }
    }

    switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
    {
        case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
            say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
            break;
        case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
            say("Yes it will work");
            ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
            pretend(there_is_no_problem);
            break;
        case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
            say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to the 32 bits architecture");
            inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
            inform(SAMSUNG, "Start anew memorychip plant 'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
            inform(QUANTUM,"Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
            get_big_bonus(INTEL,SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
            break;
        case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
            say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
            register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
            when(time_is_ripe)
            {
                arrest(journalist);
                brainwash(journalist);
                when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
                {
                    order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
                    release (journalist);
                }
            }
            break;
    }
    while (vapourware)
    {
        introduction_date++; /* Delay */
        if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
            break;
        say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
    }
    release(beta_version);

    while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
    {
        bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
        release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
        introduce(more_memory_requirements);
        if (customers_report_installation_problems)
        {
            say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
            if(smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
            {
                ignore(customer);
                order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this bastard");
            }
        }
        if (there_is_another_company)
        {
            steal(their_ideas);
            accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
            hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
            wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
            buy_out(other_company);
        }
    }

    /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
    order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
    buy(nice_little_island);
    hire(harem);
    laugh_at(everyone,for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}

void bugfix(void)
{
    charge (a_lot_of_money)
    if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
    if (still_complaints)
    {
        ignore(customer);
        register(customer, big_Bill_book);
        /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
    }
}

Windows™ 95 install source-code

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